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Dating words of wisdom

The idea of a soulmate is a romantic but essentially flawed concept. Knowledge of our differences can make the commitment twice as sweet, if we can respect the differences that will emerge along the way.

I look at him sometimes and say, “Why were we both on the same subway car that day? Even though I’m in love, I don’t have single amnesia in the least. I can’t remember who said it now, but a Buddhist philosopher talked about cultivating a lifelong, unconditional friendship with yourself. Sometimes, during my long ass single stretch, I would get jealous watching my friends get snapped up left and right.There were many low points in my eight years (more or less) as a single person.One in particular was in December of 2010, right around my 32nd birthday.Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. I remain strongly connected to the part of me that wrote this letter. It’s National Singles Week — not that I need a holiday to reflect — but it’s just as good a time as any to look back on some of the wisdom I took with me from those eight years I spent with myself, which in the end, I am grateful for. The biggest mistake I was making as a single person was trying to fight against, punish or shame single Ami. People will impose their ideas about relationships upon you … The most annoying part about being single — aside from what an asshole I was to myself about it — was what assholes other people were to me about it. There were times when it seemed like everyone I knew was in love/getting engaged/getting married/having babies. I said this to myself back in 2010, but put that Guns N’ Roses song on repeat because this is key.

Instead of being an unconditional friend to her when she got dumped or went on a shitty date, I would tell her it was her fault and blame her for it. If I were to be single again, I would be a lot more laid back and compassionate about the whole thing. People love to ask you why you aren’t dating or when you plan to or force advice or single guys upon you when you didn’t ask. There are some things that are in your control — like choosing not to listen to people who make annoying single comments to you — but there are other things that are not. You’ll be on OKCupid scrolling though suitors like a mofo, you’ll be accepting potential setups, guys will be popping out of manholes on the street to date you. Understanding that people are strange, unique creatures not to be understood (yourself included sometimes) — especially when it comes to love and intimacy — is the most invaluable realization a single person can have. And this would give me carte blanche to feel sorry for myself. I thought I had taken all I could back then, but I still had another 2 years and 3 months of bad dates, breakups and romantic disappoints before anything lasting.

It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call.

Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.” ― Greg Behrendt “I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.” ― Jodi Picoult, “Well?

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.

If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things.

To cope with all the hopelessness, bitterness, loneliness, panic, frustration and feelings of failure I was experiencing, I wrote an open letter to my single self.